Couples navigating the emotional aftermath
How is your relationship after the fire?
Burnished, bruised or busted?
Thoughts for couples navigating the emotional aftermath of the 2025 megafire
Let’s face it, a devastating wildfire was not on your bingo card for 2025. The words “total loss” weren’t in your vocabulary on New Years day nor were you dreaming of couch surfing, house hunting, wringing your hands over kids schooling or wrangling insurance paperwork. But here we are. And it should come as no surprise that our relationships are taking a hit and starting to fray around the edges– or worse.
It’s okay. This is part of a normal predictable pattern, and you aren’t the only ones. Disasters stress even the strongest bonds. Once the adrenaline wears off, what we are left with is grief, fatigue, and the awkward and disorienting challenge of building new rhythms in the literal ruins of our former lives.
This article offers food for thought on what to look out for, a bit of insight on why it happens and ideas on what you can do to stay connected– even when you are both running on empty.
Short Fuses, Sharp Words
What to watch for:
You find yourselves arguing over things like which brand of toothbrush to buy, or who forgot to call the adjuster.
Why it happens:
Displacement strips you of control. Your nervous systems are on high alert, and without your usual routines (and space!), you’re reacting instead of responding.
What you can do:
Use a reset phrase— something like “Let’s take five and try again,” or “This isn’t about us; it’s about the fire.” Give one another permission to be human. That snarky comment? It’s grief in disguise.
Totally Different Grief Timelines
What to watch for:
One of you cries at the sight of a scorched street sign. The other says, “I’m just focused on next steps.”
Why it happens:
People grieve in waves—and never in sync. Some process emotionally, others logistically. Neither is better. Just different.
What you can do:
Instead of trying to match one another’s pace, try acknowledging it: “I see you need to cry today, and I’ll sit with you. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll fall apart and you’ll hold me up then.”
“What Now?” Disagreements
What to watch for:
You want to rebuild. Your partner wants to move closer to the kids. You're dreaming of downsizing. They want to reclaim everything, exactly as it was.
Why it happens:
Post-trauma decision-making is rarely logical. We're chasing a feeling—stability, identity, purpose. When partners chase different feelings, tension rises.
What you can do:
Use the 3-bucket system:
Bucket #1: Decide now.
Bucket #2: Decide soon.
Bucket #3: Decide later. Put the big fights in this third bucket. Make space for the dust— literal and emotional— to settle.
Moments of Disconnection
What to watch for:
You feel like roommates. Affection is missing. Conversation turns practical, or worse—nonexistent.
Why it happens:
Stress and trauma numb the parts of us that crave intimacy. Sometimes we go silent to protect ourselves, or we pull away because we don’t know what to say.
What you can do:
Rebuild connection in small ways: hand on shoulder. Eye contact. A walk. Watch something funny together. Remind each other: “We’re still here. We’re still us.”
Survivor’s Guilt or Helplessness
What to watch for:
You both say things like, “We were luckier than others” or “We shouldn’t complain.”
Why it happens:
Minimizing your pain is a common way to avoid feeling it. Especially for people over 60, there can be an inner voice saying “Tough it out.”
What you can do:
Name your loss without disclaimers. Say what hurts. Allow space for grief and gratitude to co-exist. You don’t have to earn your sadness.
Fear That It’s Too Much
What to watch for:
A feeling of emotional drowning. A question like, “Will we be okay after this?”
Why it happens:
Big events shake foundations—personal and relational. It’s normal to wonder if everything will change.
What you can do:
Talk openly: “This is hard. But I’m here. I still choose us.” And if that sounds false and you’re struggling to find your way back to each other, don’t wait—get support.
This chapter of your life was not one you chose. But how you move through it—with grace, vulnerability, and compassion for yourself and each other— will shape the chapters that follow.
You’ve survived the fire. Now it’s time to heal—together.
Where to Get Help in Los Angeles
These free and low-cost services are available right now for those affected by the fires:
Mental Health Services
LACDMH 24/7 Help Line
Crisis counseling, mobile response, referrals
📞 800-854-7771 | Text “LA” to 741741
🌐 dmh.lacounty.govDisaster Distress Helpline
For disaster-related trauma or grief
📞 800-985-5990CalHOPE Warm Line
Support from trained counselors
📞 833-317-4673
🌐 calhope.orgCrisis Text Line
Text “HOME” to 741741 any time
Couples & Relationship Counseling
Airport Marina Counseling Service (AMCS)
Offering 10 free therapy sessions (individuals or couples)
📞 310-670-1410
🌐 amcshelps.comMaple Counseling
Free short-term therapy for fire victims & first responders
🌐 maplecounseling.orgJewish Federation LA
Mental health, financial aid, and relocation assistance
Open to all
🌐 jewishla.org
